Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Excuses, excuses

On Memorial Day weekend, I spent the day with some friends (Ms. Amy and Ms. Lynn) in a local waterside town. I wrote about a few fun incidents that happened while we were there, but I skipped over one story. My impromptu dating advice given at a local restaurant. It was an interesting conversation on many levels.

We were sitting on a bench on a dock waiting for a table at the best crabhouse ever. We were sharing it with three gentlemen in their 40's. We were having a conversation and they were having theirs. And then all the sudden, we were getting an "Excuse me. Can we ask you a question?"

So here are the details. The bald guy sitting next to me is a divorcee who has 2 kids that he gets every other weekend. He and his two friends are with about 8 boys who are down from New Jersey for a lacrosse tournament. The other two are married. They are all walking ads for rich middle-aged dads who live in the NYC suburbs. Got it?

Bald guy asked his buddy and across the street neighbor (tall guy with glasses) to set him up with a woman that also lives across the street. She is the next door neighbor to tall guy and his wife. Tall guy and wife have dinner party. Lady is there and bald guy. They hit it off. He walks her back to her house. And now he's asking us whether he should even ask the lady out.

We're like we don't understand the question. Do you not like her? Does she have a hairy lip? Does she smell? No, he likes her. There is nothing wrong with her. So I'm like "What's the problem? Why the dilemma? Ask her out."

His response, "Well what if I decide I don't want to be with her in a couple of months. What if she's not the one and I break it off and she goes psycho." I responded with a look of disbelief. Are you kidding me? That's a big what-if. I say to him, "What if she decides in date 2 that she doesn't want to date you? Seriously, that is a huge assumption. Has she given you any indication that she is mentally unstable?"

He answers that she doesn't appear to be mental unstable but he just won't shake the idea that she will somehow turn into Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" when and if he decides to break up with her in several months time. We go back and forth. I'm trying to prove to him how his idea could easily not hold water, but he and his friends are not convinced. Finally, for this woman's sanity, I tell him not to ask her out. She shouldn't have to be subjected to a guy who thinks she's too crazy to get into a relationship with before he even goes on a date with her. Thank goodness our beeper goes off and our table is ready. So we think it is the end.

But no, he finds us later at our table to ask again. He doesn't like my advice. Seriously, if you have to think about it this much, don't ask her out. You have already doomed the relationship before it even started. This will not end well.

Do guys really think women are psychotic when it comes to breakups? And so much so, that it's not worth the trouble of trying in the first place. I'm not convinced that was really this guy's problem, but even still, I'm scared. Is this what keeps guys from making moves and asking out women? I know I'm not crazy when it comes to break-ups. I just stop talking to them. The End. (Yes, I have been yelled at but I take it like a big girl.)

Does that make me abnormal? I'm sure there are some women that scream and wail at a breakup, but geez if you have to question asking out a woman on the off chance she is, I think you aren't ready to date or you are doing something wrong (like not communicating your feelings or sending the wrong signals).

Maybe it's a New Jersey thing? Maybe it has to do with how quickly we have sex in a dating relationship. Sex in a relationship can be a very big deal to women. It takes it to the next level. I suspect not so much the same for most men. Maybe I should have questioned bald guy about that...maybe he was having sex too soon. Maybe he was making promises he couldn't keep.

What causes women to snap when the relationship has gone south? And how can we get guys to not be afraid to ask us out because they are afraid we are going to go crazy?


The UDG said...

By the time he gets around to actually asking her out, she'll probably be married. That's a lot of doomed thinking for something that hasn't even happened. I mean, what if she said no and the date never even happened? Good grief.

Miss Scarlett said...

My thoughts exactly, The UDG. He's already dooming the relationship before he's even left the gate. That's why I gave up eventually - let the poor woman find someone better - someone who isn't afraid to date her.