Liar Liar Pants on Fire

So I know that it's been forever since I posted...but I've actually been busy. I've been dating!! I know..why did I give that exclamation points? It's not that great...more crazy than anything...and of course, work got super busy.

But I have been doing it and I'll back up and tell you all about them. But in the meantime, I'm trying to come up with a good story as to why I don't want to go out on another date with this guy. He called while I was at yoga and I need to call him back. He's persistent.

Oh I so wish I was still on vacation...yes I took a little vacation last Thursday and came home last night. It was so relaxing. I'm so good at unplugging.

Maybe I reconnected with someone? On my trip???

Homework

Yes, I'm assigning homework. I wanted to assign it over the weekend, but it didn't happen. I haven't even prepped for the homework. So this is going to force us both. (Full disclosure: I have started the homework - I just need to finish it.)

So read this article. It's interesting. And we'll discuss in a day or two.

All the Single Ladies - The Atlantic

I Don't Know What to Say

I feel like every other post on this blog these days is a "please forgive me for being a bad blogger". My days are just super full (they actually expect me to get work done at work!) I have been on Match.com since I last posted!! Yeah!! I can't say I'm super excited about any of the guys that are messaging me, but we'll see.

There are definitely not any guys coming to my house trying to date me. I did try to flirt with the three repairmen that came on Friday. One was married (I don't know about the other two) and asked me if my boyfriend or husband could reattach the cover to my furnace. It was very sexist. And what did I do?

I made up a boyfriend. he was a office working piece of s who can't fix anything. This way the repair guy would just tell me how I could do it (which I did - all by myself). But it's probably the truth. My Dad can't fix anything. And I knew my Mom would yell at me if I admitted to the repair guy I lived alone. She wanted my Dad to come over while he was there. I swear she watches way too much "Dateline" or "Primetime" or whatever show Chris Hansen is catching predators on. I had more freedom as a teenager than I do now in my 30's.

Anyway, I guess I just needed a good rant about my annoying need for a fake boyfriend. I'm super busy right now, but wedding season is kicking up into full gear in the very near future. I promise I will post 5 times a week for the rest of the month.

Also, if anyone knows a good dream interpreter, let me know. I had the weirdest dream the other night - like woke me up it was so disturbing. It was disturbing because I was stuck with no way out (of a bodega in the projects with a old Asian lady and my friend Amy). Scary, no? Also included very realistic gang violence (according to the movies - I don't spend a ton of time in the projects - thanks to my Mom, Chris Hansen's biggest fan).

Blogger's Regret...

I'm imaging that last night's post has stirred alot of questions in my reader's mind. There has been a question or two emailed to me. In fact a few of you have said to be before, you should date Jonathan.

(Side note: I'm totally regretting using his real name as of this morning. Getting that total walk of shame feeling, especially based on what I am about to write. So I'm going back and changing his name. I think I'll call him...Don Juan. Remember that people!)

There are several reasons why I should not date Don Juan. The biggest and main reason is that we are not at the same stage in our lives. He wants to go out every other night to the clubs and meet as many girls in as many cities as possible. And I do not. He thinks that in a few years when a few years past 30 (the age in which he considers his life to be over and in need of a walker and Depends. I'm serious - he's told me this for years) he'll be ready to settle down with a hot modelesque wife and have a few kids.

If I still haven't convinced you, let me share with you his weekend plans. I feel that they will seal the deal. This weekend, he is going to NYC to meet up with an actress (who he previously met at a club in LA) who does not have any nudity clauses in her film contracts. She has a prolific film career in a certain genre of films where story lines are not very important and aliases are used by most actors and actresses. Do you catch my drift? He's going to accompany her as her assistant to an industry event and party it up. He hopes to be come very acquainted with some of her friends.

And this is prime example of why I say we will not be dating. He's like my little brother and truly I enjoy it that way.

Those three little words...

Those three little words. For me, it was really hard to say them for awhile, but it's gotten much easier. They always make you stop in your tracks when you hear them. There's magic in those three little words.

I already told you how I told my personal trainer, Don Juan, that I loved him one very sleepy morning. It just popped out. I've been holding on to a secret for several weeks. He actually told me that he loved me several weeks ago, but it's not what you think. Let me set the scene.

I have access to good seats to the local major league baseball team. Jonathan played baseball in his youth and at the collegiate level. I try to get him tickets at least once every season. He asked me to get him seats to a specific game. I was able to get him those tickets for him. So I texted him and told him to meet me in the lobby of his building (it's next to mine) to give him the tickets.

It's so weird sometimes to see someone in a different context than you normally see them. We hugged and started talking, but there was something awkward in our conversation. I couldn't figure out what it was. Maybe it was the hug. We don't normally hug, but I've hugged him before. Anyway, we just nervously chatting and all the sudden, he said, "I love you." My brain just stopped for a second. Did I just hear what I think I heard? There was a pause all around. I think we were both shocked by the admission. But then he just kept going. The subject might have even changed. It felt more comfortable. The tension was gone. The moment was over. But it was a flat-out "I love you", not a "I love you for doing this".

Let me tell you. No matter who says it or when they say it, there is always a little magic in those three little words.

Sometimes You Can't Escape Your Past

Two weekends ago, I had my mom over to my house on a Saturday afternoon for Starbucks. Homegirl loves a white chocolate mocha with all the fixings - even in the heart of summer - and drunk through a straw. I owed her a Starbucks and I was craving an Iced Mocha (it's my new fav - ok really I only drink 3 drinks there.)

So we were drinking our beverages and lounging in my living room. And she's telling me about going to the local running store to get some new shoes. I had forgotten I had told her to go there instead of the place two towns over.

She tells me this creepy guy waited on her at the store. She said he was really weird. I immediately knew who she was talking about. I asked her a few questions about his appearance to verify, but I was right. She was talking about my boyfriend from senior year of high school. Yeah!!! It makes me so proud. My senior year boyfriend is the creepy guy that works at the running store in my hometown.

Somehow every time I go in there, he eventually waits on me. I may rush over to someone else and ask them questions. They get the product, but when I get up to the counter, they always pass me off to him. He just has this weird stare. He keeps staring at you, and evidently he did it to my mom as well. The best part is he acts like we know each other but just as old co-workers/acquaintances (that's how we met - at our teenage workplace, not school).

So my poor mother is evidently receiving the creepy treatment. I told her just to go back to the other running store. It's cheaper anyway. And I'll be shopping there as well. So much for supporting my hometown mom and pop running shop!

Note - The other running store is also a mom and pop - just not in our town.

Note - This was the same guy that also ran into my sister and her friend in a bookstore while I was a junior or senior in college. He proceeded to tell her how he didn't understand why I wouldn't make out with him at his church youth group bonfire. She was like "ok" and crept away from the creepy guy. What was I thinking?? Sorry that I didn't feel it was appropriate to mug down with you in front of your church youth group! Clearly, we're not meant to be.

White Lying

I'm a liar by omission. I'm terrible at out and out lying. Always have been. My family can call me out every time I lie. I have the easiest tells. Luckily, somehow that doesn't translate to the poker table.

I never told my family about my blog. I was going to tell my sister and brother-in-law. My brother could care less. When we talk, it's usually about him and he's incredibly busy. No really - he's an intern (as in Grey's Anatomy not Monica Lewinsky). He doesn't have time to read his big sis' blog. He doesn't even have time to eat half the time.

Anyway, I was going to tell my sister - even though she's a nosy Nellie (name that TV show reference?). But she got pregnant and witchy. She's actually better now that's she in the 3rd trimester but I'm having problems with courage.

Why do I have such a hard time telling my family about what I'm thinking or feeling? We are a close family, but maybe it is that we are used to seeing each other that we get bogged down in the day-to-day. I think it's more that I'm afraid of somehow disappointing them. I know how ridiculous that sounds.

So I almost came out with it on the 4th of July but somehow they didn't press me. But I need to tell them because it's going to come out when I see my cousin in San Diego later this summer. So it's better to come from me than her.

Wish me luck!

Excuses, excuses

On Memorial Day weekend, I spent the day with some friends (Ms. Amy and Ms. Lynn) in a local waterside town. I wrote about a few fun incidents that happened while we were there, but I skipped over one story. My impromptu dating advice given at a local restaurant. It was an interesting conversation on many levels.

We were sitting on a bench on a dock waiting for a table at the best crabhouse ever. We were sharing it with three gentlemen in their 40's. We were having a conversation and they were having theirs. And then all the sudden, we were getting an "Excuse me. Can we ask you a question?"

So here are the details. The bald guy sitting next to me is a divorcee who has 2 kids that he gets every other weekend. He and his two friends are with about 8 boys who are down from New Jersey for a lacrosse tournament. The other two are married. They are all walking ads for rich middle-aged dads who live in the NYC suburbs. Got it?

Bald guy asked his buddy and across the street neighbor (tall guy with glasses) to set him up with a woman that also lives across the street. She is the next door neighbor to tall guy and his wife. Tall guy and wife have dinner party. Lady is there and bald guy. They hit it off. He walks her back to her house. And now he's asking us whether he should even ask the lady out.

We're like we don't understand the question. Do you not like her? Does she have a hairy lip? Does she smell? No, he likes her. There is nothing wrong with her. So I'm like "What's the problem? Why the dilemma? Ask her out."

His response, "Well what if I decide I don't want to be with her in a couple of months. What if she's not the one and I break it off and she goes psycho." I responded with a look of disbelief. Are you kidding me? That's a big what-if. I say to him, "What if she decides in date 2 that she doesn't want to date you? Seriously, that is a huge assumption. Has she given you any indication that she is mentally unstable?"

He answers that she doesn't appear to be mental unstable but he just won't shake the idea that she will somehow turn into Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" when and if he decides to break up with her in several months time. We go back and forth. I'm trying to prove to him how his idea could easily not hold water, but he and his friends are not convinced. Finally, for this woman's sanity, I tell him not to ask her out. She shouldn't have to be subjected to a guy who thinks she's too crazy to get into a relationship with before he even goes on a date with her. Thank goodness our beeper goes off and our table is ready. So we think it is the end.

But no, he finds us later at our table to ask again. He doesn't like my advice. Seriously, if you have to think about it this much, don't ask her out. You have already doomed the relationship before it even started. This will not end well.

Do guys really think women are psychotic when it comes to breakups? And so much so, that it's not worth the trouble of trying in the first place. I'm not convinced that was really this guy's problem, but even still, I'm scared. Is this what keeps guys from making moves and asking out women? I know I'm not crazy when it comes to break-ups. I just stop talking to them. The End. (Yes, I have been yelled at but I take it like a big girl.)

Does that make me abnormal? I'm sure there are some women that scream and wail at a breakup, but geez if you have to question asking out a woman on the off chance she is, I think you aren't ready to date or you are doing something wrong (like not communicating your feelings or sending the wrong signals).

Maybe it's a New Jersey thing? Maybe it has to do with how quickly we have sex in a dating relationship. Sex in a relationship can be a very big deal to women. It takes it to the next level. I suspect not so much the same for most men. Maybe I should have questioned bald guy about that...maybe he was having sex too soon. Maybe he was making promises he couldn't keep.

What causes women to snap when the relationship has gone south? And how can we get guys to not be afraid to ask us out because they are afraid we are going to go crazy?

Breaking up is hard to do...

So I did it again. I sent an email to a guy who I've been on and off emailing with on Match. I lied and told him I was pursuing another relationship and so I didn't think we should continue chatting. Ugh! I lied. I hate lying. But the poor guy sent me an email that he was still interested. And I was definitely not interested.

The funny thing is when it came to responding to an email from a pudgy male administrative assistant (who like puppies and cooking and who knows what else), I couldn't tell him I wasn't interested. (His profile reads "Mama's boy" - I'm sorry! That's mean.) I think because I hadn't even given the poor guy a chance. So I am just procrastinating....a feel so bad at not giving him a chance.

Since my last posts about my break-up strategy, I've heard some interesting takes and stories on break-ups.

A co-worker told me that she never breaks up with a guy. She always waits and lets him break up with her. As she was telling me this, all I could think is why wouldn't you want to move on. Why wait? Maybe there is something better out there. But I can kind of see it now...(sort of).

The one that really threw me was from a guy acquaintance. He told Jenn and I that he broke up with a girlfriend because he knew that she was miserable. I just kept asking him how he knew she was miserable. It just didn't make sense. Why would you break up with someone because they were unhappy (not you)? And how would you know?

But this one makes me think of something my therapist said to me this week, "Independence is easy, vulnerability is hard". I think that is totally true for me. I've struggled with that for a long time - am I too independent? Maybe, but it's part of who I am. But so is vulnerability. I'm more vulnerable than I show to others. I just need to work on showing more of it - to everyone.

Happy Easter everyone!

Don't You Always Go for a Test Drive Before you Buy the Car????

Today's planned post was to finally talk about what it is that I'm looking for in a guy - my bullet- point list as to what I like and dislike, my must-haves, etc.

I'll still get to that very soon but in the meantime, things happen. Discussions are had and now that's all I can think about. But at least it's all related.

Yesterday, I went to a party for my friends' new 5 week old baby at Jenn and Greg's house. A good time, a few beers, some old toy cars, and NCAA basketball was had by all. Oh and we all held the new baby, who is so cute and precious. In between basketball games, some of us started talking about my blog and A. And I ended up pulling up A's profile that's on the Internet dating site. And I took another look at it. And I saw some things that gave me some pause.

So being a Catholic dating website, they ask you to post how you feel about pre-martial sex and birth control. I was honest - I said that I was for both (even though it's against the church - Again, I didn't say I was perfect. Hey I played a sassy Mary Magdalene in our high school religion class) Well, now I'm noticing that he's marked that he doesn't believe in pre-martial sex and in birth control (I don't understand how guys can support the birth control stance - it's not really a benefit to them - but anywho?) I'm starting to think after I read that. Things are starting to make alittle more sense? I'm starting to wonder is this a deal breaker? When do I bring this up? Is this what he really thinks or is he just putting this out there?

I think I've already gotten some clues. And I don't know if I agree where this is heading. Sex is important in a serious relationship. A girl needs to fully test drive the car before she considers a purchase. Could you imagine if you married someone without ever having sex and then your sex life was incompatible? I know people used to do it this way all the way into the 1970's, but times have changed radically. Sex is all we talk about half the time. They advertise birth control on TV.

Has anyone ended it with someone over bad sex? Or no sex?

And don't even get me started on the no birth control. As you know I watch Teen Mom, we know how no birth control ends up.

So I'm going to keep thinking about this. I have to go to figure out what I'm going to wear for this date tonight....

Being Introduced

It's Saturday morning. Teen Mom is on. Love that show. What these girls are thinking? I don't know, but life gets alot harder later on even if you don't have a kid. But I can't stop watching (and sometimes yelling at the TV).

So today I want to talk about introducing someone to your friends and family. Is there a magical or typical time? Do people just do it when it feels right? Is it really that big of a deal? (OK - it is still a big deal to meet parents - at least in my book).

I can still tell you the exact words my father used in high school when he wanted to meet the guys I dated in high school. It was in the form of a question, but it was a demand. "So when am I going to meet this boy?" equalled you better put this boy in front of me before he takes you out again. When those words were spoken, I just physically cringed. But I obeyed.

I've been thinking about this because it seems that tomorrow I'm meeting A's sister and her husband. We are going to go to dinner with them tomorrow. When he first texted me about it, I didn't think anything of it. We've talked about her before. He's very close to both his brother and sister. But now that I've had 24 hours to digest, I'm getting alittle nervous. This is only date number 4. I've just been introduced to his dog. He hasn't been inside my house. This seems like a big step. What does it mean? What's our status? I don't even know what to wear? I wasn't even considering introducing him to my siblings. He did get introduced to one of my co-workers last date - but it was just an introduction.

As usual, I'm just going to have wing it. As with this whole thing....

The One that Got Away...

So I'm in the process of shifting my roster, so I have no new dates to report on. So I'm going to take this post to talk about a conversation that my friend Andre and I had over 2 glasses of wine at lunch the other day.

Somehow in talking about my blog and past relationships, we started talking about the one that got away. He claims that you can only have one in your life. Who is yours?

I know who mine is. It just never seemed to work out. We could never get it together and eventually he left for grad school (but not before I pushed a girl in a Wawa because she was talking to him - now some of you know who it is).

And then we started to talk about if we were ever one that got away. And per Andre, I evidently was. Not for him. But for another guy, who I had a very confusing relationship with. I knew him in college. I entertained his mother. He made me dinner. He slept over at my house - but yet, we never dated. And having seen him again several years later, I'm glad that I'm the one that got away. It never would have worked.

What do you think readers? Who is the one that got away? Who were the one you got away from? Are you happy or sad? I try to live my life with no regrets. If you sit there and regret, you can't focus on the present or the future and what's the point of wasting time on a past you can't change.

Thinning the Herd...is there a better way to say "It's not you, it's me?"

Credit: Apple

As I've stated in other posts, it's getting time to thin the herd. Or really the time is upon us. (I've gotten another text from C today - this after I didn't answer the 3rd one he sent yesterday.) This heifer is not liking some of the steers around her and is already looking to other pastures. Some of them can stay for now.

So in my past relationships (I'll admit, it's not a huge history to pull from), I was the breaker- upper. I grew bored or scared. Sometimes I used them (to not have to look for a date for the junior/senior prom 1 month before) and they eventually caught on. But I have to admit in the past I've used the actions technique of suddenly not answering phone calls/making plans/etc. and then a subsequent phone call initiated by them happens where I (after some hemming and hawing and nail biting) admit my true desires to not continue on in the relationship. Not exactly the most mature way of dealing with the situation.

So I want to wear my big girl panties this time and actually attempt to gracefully extricate myself from some of these encounters. But what is the best way to do it? Do you call? Is email ok? Do you have to do it in person? Are there different rules for how many dates you have had? (A few things to note about me - I am a peacemaker (thanks to being an oldest child and Libra - not good for face to face disappointment) and my mother made sure we had manners (we were constantly threatened with a non-invite to the White House growing up if we had bad manners - we eventually wised up and told my Mom the invite was never going to happen for other reasons.)

So I've been thinking about what to do - some basic rules:

1. I'm never going to use the phrase, "It's not you, it's me." - Everyone knows what that means. The kiss of death. It is you. There is some unattractive about the person being told this. It's too well-known and now cruel to say (see above about manners). So basically I'm going to have to say something similar in a different way.

2. If you don't have his phone number, it's ok to email him saying that you just want to be friendly (really I don't need to be friends with you - I have enough friends and we don't have enough in common - but we could if you need to be - maybe?). But really it's only ok to email him if you've only had one or no dates. I think I'm too old now to not have to face the firing squad.

3. I will not just stop talking to a guy if we just don't hit it off on email. I will at least send you a message saying that I don't think this is ever going to result in a date. I used to get upset when they just stopped talking to you and then I got used to it and started doing it myself when I didn't feel like moving forward. But I have one guy who keeps emailing me and I email back but there is nothing but crickets and it seems wrong to just drop off the face of the earth on him.

4. If I deliver the message in person, I will do it in a public place. Like Starbucks... For safety reasons. I'm a girl. I'd rather be yelled at in public than physically threatened somewhere private. I can avoid certain places for the rest of my life if need be.

Did I miss anything? Is anything way off base? Please let me know ASAP. My readers - I beg of you!!! The executions will be commencing shortly while I'm still feeling brave.

When Guys Don't Call/Text/Email or A Reason Why Women are Crazy

Today you get a bonus post because I just love you, my readers!

I'm feeling the love today and giving the love. I told my personal trainer that I loved him today with the quick added caveat of " I mean like a brother". He gave me his usual "you are crazy" look (it happens at least once every 2 weeks) and we started talking about the horrible smell on that side of the gym. In my defense, it was 6:40 in the morning (and I'm usually still brushing my teeth).

So back to the real point of my post - When guys don't call/text/email or a reason why women are crazy. I was talking to Lynn tonight on my way home from work (after talking to A) and we got on the topic of freaking out when a guy doesn't text/call/email with a "reasonable" amount of time. It is a classic occurrence with women. We get it - guys have a different sense of time than we do.

But we are emotional (and sometimes hormonal) creatures. And these crazy thoughts just somehow creep into our heads (especially when you stop texting us in mid-conversation even though you were at work - ok, a few thoughts entered my head today) or he doesn't call within 48 hours of our last conversation or date. We know guys aren't counting the hours and our minds may be exaggerating the amount of time he hasn't made contact, but sometimes it's hard to shut off.

Maybe I've done enough internet dating prior to this. Maybe I can thank my old guy friend, Dusty Bottoms, who was the king of pulling a Houdini. (As termed by my friend Danielle (DR), pulling a Houdini is when a person just leaves the bar/restaurant/club without telling any of the people he/she came there with.) Dusty was great at it. At first it bothered all us girls that he just left us hanging, but after a few times, we just brushed it off - he's a guy - no thought process when that wasted.

My point is you shouldn't freak out (I have really trained myself not to - think about why you are freaking). You may really want to talk to him or see him, and that's awesome. Revel in the excitement of knowing that you so badly want to talk to him. It's exciting. And if he never calls/emails/texts back, consider yourself lucky. You didn't have to waste anymore time on that guy (it's not going to work out anyway).

And when you don't want to talk to him anymore or that date was horribly bad, you can use the same technique as guys use on you. Don't call/text/email back or only intermittently (see below). He'll get the hint.

P.S. I only recommend my last piece advice at the beginning of the interaction. I will need some serious advice on this more soon as I think the herd is going to need to be thinned a little.

Also, I'm not going to even go into the random intermittent texts/calls. Ladies, we all know what those are for. And if you need that itch to be scratched, go for it. No shame in admitting it. Own it. A girl has needs too. Call a spade a spade and don't expect him to become your boyfriend (or even next day texter/caller). There was only one type of connection.